


Snoke's Completely Accurate Guide to Doing the Do

by greenikat89



Series: Snoke's Completely Accurate Guides [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alpha and Rhombus, Bad sex talks, Crack, Darth Tantrum and his Evil Space Ginger, Embarrassment, Evil Space Boyfriends, Humor, Kylux - Freeform, M/M, The Talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-05
Updated: 2016-04-05
Packaged: 2018-05-31 11:03:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6467662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenikat89/pseuds/greenikat89
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by The Force Awakens Kinkmeme: Snoke decides it it time for The Talk with Kylo and Hux. He summons them to his chamber and gravely begins to go over the birds and the bees, in excruciating, rambling detail. Only he knows zilch about human anatomy, let alone sex, reproduction, or venereal diseases. There are frequent pauses, while he tries to gauge their response and they sweat, wishing only for merciful death.</p><p>Snoke is pleased, afterwards, satisfied with their attentiveness and his own thorough explanation. They will sire good larvae. Or-- spores? Some sort of offspring, in any case. May they have a safe journey to the breeding swamps.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Snoke's Completely Accurate Guide to Doing the Do

Hux did his best to ignore Kylo as the two of them entered into Snoke’s chamber. They had been summoned by the Supreme Leader under vague explanations (not that Snoke was all that forthcoming with information anyway) although it had sounded dire. Privately, Hux hoped it was to bring the leader’s rabid dog to heel so Kylo would stop the senseless destruction on his ship.

 _It’s not your ship,_ Ren growled through the Force.

Hux thought about alarms and sirens as loud as he could and was pleased when he felt Kylo flinch back with a dark scowl.

Their footsteps echoed in the vast chamber as they came to a halt in front of Snoke. “Supreme Leader,” Hux murmured and bowed respectfully.

“Master,” Ren acknowledged and hit his closed fist to his chest like the barbarian he was.

“I have brought you here to talk with you about a most important matter,” Snoke’s voice boomed in the cavernous room. “I have observed the two of you for some time now and I approve of your courtship to Lord Ren. Thus, I feel it is time to give both of you The Talk.”

“Courtship!?” Kylo blurted out in disbelief at the same time Hux exclaimed, “The Talk!”

Snoke nodded his massive head in placid agreement. “Kylo Ren, you know nothing is a secret from me. I see your innermost desires.”

Ren had a death grip on his helmet and looked like he wanted nothing more than to put it back on. “Supreme Leader, I…think there is some mistake.”

“As much as it pains me to admit it, Kylo is right,” Hux cut in.

Kylo tried to discreetly shove Hux. “I’ll show you pain,” he muttered. Hux viciously elbowed him in the side.

The exchange didn’t go unnoticed and what could have passed as a garish smile crossed Snoke’s face. “Bickering and hostility are a great foundation for a relationship. Through Ren, I have seen this similar exchange between his parents. It is a classic, normal human courtship ritual.”

Whatever Kylo had been about to say died a quick, sudden death. His face took on a pallid, waxy look and he felt distinctly uncomfortable. Hux couldn’t tell if it was because of Snoke peeping on Ren’s parents or the fact that Snoke had compared Ren’s parents to _them_.

A ringing silence echoed around the room and Snoke took that as a means to proceed. “Now as I was saying, when two humans enter into a courtship ritual it is important to remember who is the alpha and who is the rhombus.”

“Supreme Leader, with all due respect, I really don’t think this is necessary,” Hux weakly tried to edge in.  

“Now I am aware that these courtship rituals are involved and complicated,” Snoke continued on. “I have seen some of that in displays of Kylo Ren’s fighting prowess and of the vocalizations the two of you often engage in. Kylo.”

Ren tried very hard to keep his face impassive. “Yes, Supreme Leader?”

“You don’t have to be ashamed of the penis fencing ritual. I know my teachings have...lacked... in certain areas, but you are old enough to know by now.  This ritual is natural and I approve of either one of you getting stabbed and absorbing sperm.”

Kylo looked like he wanted to die. “We’re um…we’re not together, Master.”

Pity colored Snoke’s voice. “I know my child, and I am here to help.” The hologram seemed to draw himself up higher. “As I was saying, after you enter into the courtship ritual and have wooed your rhombus it is time to get onto the act of sexing. This is done in the breeding swamps.” He paused and looked down at his subjects. They seemed to be enthralled with his words and Snoke mentally congratulated himself on having them so well trained.

“Human male’s sperm is produced in the testes and stored in the cloaca,” he continued on. “At the breeding swamps, the humans will disrobe completely and wiggle against each other.” He paused again, longer this time so that he could gauge their reactions. “Rubbing their… dagger-like penises against one another, they fight to stab or avoid getting stabbed.”

Hux briefly closed his eyes in mortification. He knew his face was red and he was sweating under his collar in silent agony.

“When a human gets stabbed dominance is established and the stabber is the alpha and the stabee is the rhombus. Ren, if this is you please try to take better of the General so your brood can thrive. I know you’re not very careful with your things.”

“Understood, Master,” Ren let out in a strangled whisper of sound. He had a haunted look on his face as he determinedly stared straight ahead.

“Pinchers will come out and grab onto the mate to keep them from moving away while the alpha deposits its sperm into the skin. Humans are always fertile so the process should sire a fruitful union of…larvae.” Snoke wasn’t exactly sure what human’s produced. Spores? “Or offspring,” he added just in case. “The length of gestation period depends on the virility of the alpha. Are there any questions?”

There was not enough alcohol in the world to make Hux forget what had just happened. He nodded his head no and desperately wished he could leave. Ren was blessedly silent for once.

“Excellent!” Snoke boomed and it made the pair jump in surprise. “Then in honor of your upcoming journey to the breeding swamps I think it is best for the both of you to go over what I have discussed. I have already given the orders to assign the both of you to a shared room.”

The pair of them squabbled over one another, no doubt extolling their praises to one another and expressing their gratitude that they been blessed with this new information.  Snoke was pleased. Yes, this was a long time coming. “You are dismissed,” he said. “May you have a safe and fruitful journey to the breeding swamps.” He watched them flee the room.   Yes, they would sire excellent young. He couldn’t wait to have hundreds of them to educate in the dark side. The First Order would be unstoppable.  

**Author's Note:**

> Hey folks. So this bug bit me last night. You can find the full prompt here: https://tfa-kink.dreamwidth.org/3961.html?thread=8823417#cmt8823417
> 
> Some other lovely soul also added on to the story with a bonus chapter. I suggest you check out the link because I find it hilarious as well.


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